A Mess for the Ages
by WickedRocksSoMuch
Summary: A heartrending tale of love, betrayal and explosions. Okay, mostly explosions. Alright, let's start again. This is the story of what happens when you have several sleep deprived superheroes and no responsible adults.
1. Making a Mess of Things

Author's Note: First Avengers fanfiction. I own nothing and, if I did, Bruce would be in Iron Man 3.

In theory, it should take nothing less than a gargantuan explosion, a crack in the Earth, or an alien invasion to make a master assassin lose his or her composure.

Theory has never met the Avengers.

Therefore, it is believable that the scene which greeted Natasha when first she left her room would make her blow her top. The disaster which threatened to break all boundaries and mess with the very laws that bind the Earth together. A mess which defied duct tape, Tylenol and band-aids. A problem so hugely vast, so enormously gigantic-

Sorry, you've no idea what's going on, do you? Let's go back to when the mother of all messes made it's home in Stark Towers. It all began the night before...

Natasha had gone to bed hours before. The I.Q., of even the most intelligent had slowly dropped off the deep end as it got closer and closer to morning. Dr. Bruce Banner had been contemplating going to sleep for hours, but had since given it up in favour of keeping an eye on Tony and Clint, making sure they didn't do something they'd regret. Something like blowing up the tower, or making Natasha mad. The latter frightened him significantly more than the former.

Unfortunately for the good doctor, several sleepless nights of research had taken their toll, and he passed out on the couch. His last thought was, 'I hope Steve keeps them in check...ah, pillow, how have I missed thee.'

...clearly Banner needed to get sleep more often.

To bad Steve had a bedtime of eight o'clock and had already passed out. So, all that left was the Norse God of Thunder, the world's greatest archer, and a genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist with an inflated ego. What could possibly go wrong?

Thor (the aforementioned god), decided that he was hungry. He then wandered over to the barely used, state-of-the-art kitchen, and began making food. Asgardian style. He found that there was no meat, went out on the patio and hit some pigeons with his hammer. Then he broke the oven, which started a fire and caused JARVIS to spray foam everywhere.

By this point, poor Thor was very confused and started smashing through walls. With Mjolnir.

While Thor was rampaging through the kitchen, Tony and Clint were scheming brilliant schemes. Okay, admittedly, they were planning to change peoples ring-tones to annoying songs. It was three in the morning, okay? Don't judge.

Somehow, they managed to not hear Thor's rampage and instead got to debating about who had the best significant other. Tony went on and on about how great Bruce was, but Clint made some fair points about Natasha.

For example, he said pointed out how she would always have his back. How resourceful she was. How she was a great dancer, and how she had absolutely _killer_ good looks. He talked on and on about Natasha. Tony got really, really sick of the sappiness, and decided to spice things up a bit.

Thinking back on it, perhaps settling things with the Iron Man suit and explosive arrows was not the best idea. In their defence, however; it was probably the best idea that occurred to them at that point in time, and really, it was probably very amusing.

Thor had, by now, fallen asleep holding a pigeon like a teddy bear.

To sum up the situation, there were two passed out superheroes on couches (one on the ground) a kitchen splattered in blood and foam, a living room torn to pieces with char marks and holes in every place imaginable, and, of course, a very battered-looking Iron Man and Hawkeye.

That's about where Natasha walked in.

Were we to assume that she had gotten a full nights sleep, we could also assume that she would keep her cool. We cannot do that however, as we know that Natasha is a light sleeper and had been listening to the antics of the team for the past FOUR HOURS AND SHE'S BE DARNED IF SHE WASN'T ABOUT TO PUT THEM TO WORK FOR THE REST OF THEIR PATHETIC, MULING LITTLE LIVES-

Then Clint kissed Natasha.

When he perceived that his partner had calmed down enough that she wouldn't kill the both of them and serve them in a pie, he let her go and looked her in the eye. Natasha breathed in slowly, calming herself down. Then something creepy happened. Something disturbingly, overwhelmingly, horrifyingly, petrifying happened.

Natasha smiled sweetly.

Duh duh DUH.

Clint and Tony felt their hearts sink through the floor as a grin spread across Natasha's unfairly attractive face. Clint wondered if he should kiss her again, while Tony considered the viable exits. Natasha began, still smiling, to wake up the rest of the Avengers.

Bruce let out a groan as he took in his surroundings. Steve's mouth broke the laws of physics, and quite literally hit the ground. Thor looked around blearily and asked, "WHAT WITCHCRAFT FORMED SUCH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF WHITENESS FROM THE AIR?"

Natasha chose to ignore that last, and lined them up for inspection. Having judged Bruce and Steve to be guilty of no crimes, she told them (still smiling), that they could go off to bed. Having decided that Thor could not be held responsible for his actions, she told him to go visit Jane and ask her to explain fire extinguishers to him. Finally, her eyes rested on Tony and Clint. The smile became wider.

"You two," she said calmly, "Will be cleaning this up, under my supervision," she then sat down on what was left of the couch, and motioned for them to get going. Tony looked as though he was about to complain, but a look from the Black Widow shut him up. Clint quietly called dibs on the kitchen and set to work.

After several hours, (and innumerable oaths from Tony which are not fitting to be set down) Natasha deemed the rooms clean enough, and let them off the hook. Tony pranced off to Candyland to, "blow things up in peace," as he put it.

Clint sat down next to Natasha.

"So, do you calm down everyone by kissing them, or is it just me?" Natasha asked irritably, giving Clint the evil-eye. WHILE STILL SMILING, HOW THE HECK DOES SHE DO THAT?

Ahem, sorry.

"No, it's just you. Why?" Clint enquired.

"I was considering making a habit of it. However, if you pull a stunt like this again, I swear I WILL BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY-"

And then Clint kissed her. Again.

Author's Note: Clintasha, Science Bros; what's not to love about this fandom? I hope you liked it, and I may perhaps write a second chapter. Maybe. Depends on how many like it. Thanks muchly for reading it!


	2. Happy Birthday!

A Mess for the Ages

There are perhaps three things in this world that Clint Barton, Hawkeye, was truly afraid of. As a general rule there was very little that would shake him. Very little, that is, aside from Natasha Romanoff. Natasha, especially angry Natasha, really freaked him out.

In his defense though, an angry Natasha Romanoff would (and had) frightened far more iron-willed men than Clint.

Too bad no one had told Steve that.

And that, dear readers, is how the Avengers; Earth's mightiest heroes, ended up yet again with a highly dangerous and extraordinarily livid Black Widow staring them down.

That's all in the future though, let's begin again shall we?

It was a normal day at Stark Tower.

. . .

Sorry, didn't think that sentence through...

It was a day at Stark Tower.

Tony and Bruce were, "conducting important science experiments," in the lab. Translation: Tony and Bruce were blowing stuff up in Candy Land. Clint was testing out a few of his newest trick arrows in one of the indestructible rooms. Thor was attempting to figure out Nyan Cat. Rather, he was attempting to figure out, "HOW DID THE BIFROST ATTACH ITSELF TO SUCH A VESSAL, AND WHAT MANNER OF CREATURE MAY BE BOTH SO LOVABLE YET SO INFURIATING?!"

Or something like that.

Natasha was training. Which, for her, meant that she was beating the living day lights out of everything near her. Tough though she may be however; she was not the one who was about to make the biggest mistake since Voldemort decided to pick on Harry Potter. Nor was she the one about to commit the greatest error since the Trojans thought, 'Hey, a giant wooden horse, what could possibly go wrong?'. The one about to have the worst idea since America thought they could have their own version of Sherlock.

Steve was throwing Natasha Romanoff a surprise birthday party.

The last time someone had done that, it ended in five broken ribs, seven head injuries and dozens of minor cuts and bruises; and that was before they even had cake.

So, bad idea.

But Steve didn't know that. Clint did, but as was said, he was downstairs, blowing stuff up. So Steve began to prepare. He had no idea what day it was on, (that would involve looking in her file, and that would be an absolute invasion of privacy) so he decided to hold it the next day. He began by getting the rest of the team on board.

He set of down to the lab where he was met by two extremely charred geniuses. When he explained his idea they agreed to help him. That is, right after Tony stopped giggling helplessly and picked himself up from off the ground.

That should have been Steve's first clue.

Next, they pried Thor away from the computer before he broke it. He was greatly excited that they would be doing something that-he assumed-would make 'Lady Natasha' happy.

Finally, they asked Clint for his assistance in their deception. He looked very serious for a few moments before grinning.

That should have been Steve's second clue.

For unbeknownst to the team, but knownst to Clint, Natasha had an EXTREME DISLIKE FOR SURPRISES AND IF YOU TRY AND PULL THAT AGAIN, CLINT, I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE-

At least, that's what she had said last time. Maybe she'd changed her mind.

Maybe, but Clint doubted it.

At any rate, they were all agreed; they would hold a surprise party for Natasha Romanoff, one of the most dangerous women on the world.

What could possibly go wrong?

They began with the cake. Tony was all for ordering one from the local bakery, but he was overruled by the decision to make one themselves.

Oh dear.

They decided to make it from scratch.

Oh dear.

Clint and Bruce, being the only ones who had ever cooked anything other than meat, Kraft Dinner or coffee before, were named Head Cooks, and given free reign.

When the black smoke had drifted away, the thing they were calling a cake was left behind. Should you wish to picture it, think of a paper mâché balloon, run over by a steam roller, grilled for far to long and then smeared in fluorescent pink icing. You don't even want to think about what the kitchen looked like.

Having 'successfully' completed the cake, they went shopping for presents. You'll find out what they got later.

The last step was to plan what they would do with Natasha the next day. Clint volunteered to take her off everyone's hands. They all agreed and went to sleep.

*The Next Day*

"NAAAAAATTTTTTTTT," Clint's booming voice echoed down the hallway. He leaned against Natasha's doorway. Natasha awoke groggily and threw a pillow at the smiling face of her partner. He ducked just in time and smiled wider.

"Come on, you said you owed me one after I saved you from having to go to that wedding. We're going to the Star Wars marathon at the movie theatre!"

Natasha threw another pillow at the grinning assassin and slammed the door, yelling something about being out in five minutes. Clint continued to smile and waited for her to emerge. When she finally made an appearance, he grabbed her arm and ran to the elevator bellowing, "THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE."

Natasha couldn't help smiling at the antics of the usually stern-faced Hawkeye. That's about when she thought something might be up.

Well, at any rate, she spent the next seven hours or so listening to Clint mouth along to the dialogue of the movies. When he wasn't doing that, he attempted to put his arm around her. He was unsuccessful until about halfway through Return of the Jedi. That's about when she gave up and leaned against him. He grinned when she began mouthing the dialogue along with him. It was an adorable moment.

To bad she was going to kill him when this was over. Oh well, enjoy the moment Clint.

When it was finally over Natasha leaned over and kissed Clint. She looked quite happy. That would be over soon.

They stopped for some gelato before they went back to the Tower. By this point, Natasha was so suspicious she couldn't help expecting something to explode. When nothing did, she relaxed. A little.

They finally got back to Stark Tower and spent a very tense time riding up the elevator. Clint was expecting death and Natasha was expecting about the same.

What they got instead was an empty living room.

And then the Avengers burst forth from behind furniture.

Natasha's immediate response was to start beating things up, but Clint grabbed her and pinned her arms at her sides before she was able to maim anyone to seriously. The. Something weird happened. Natasha took in the mess she assumed was supposed to be a cake, looked at the haphazardly placed presents and the grinning faces of her teammates and she started laughing.

While everyone else assumed that she was going into hysterics, Clint knew that she was thinking how different this was from her last birthday party. Truth be told, he found it quite funny himself.

Natasha sobered up and thanked everyone for being so thoughtful. That's about when the presents were forced upon her.

Oh dear.

Steve, (having never shopped for a woman before) had gotten her the first thing he saw in the women's department. So Natasha got a lovely pair of pink socks. BRIGHT PINK.

She thanked him politely and made an internal note to never be seen in public with them on.

Thor had made her a traditional Asgardian warrior garment. Natasha wasn't so sure, but it looked an awful like the lid of a pot with some spoons attached to it. She thanked him all the same.

Bruce had been very clever. He had made her a coupon book that included such things as, 'Get Tony out of you hair for a day, ' or, 'Redeem for a day of no explosions,' that sort of thing. Natasha grinned and decided not to think of how Bruce would get Tony out of her hair. It was safer that way.

Tony's gift is not suitable to be written here. Suffice to say, Natasha was not particularly fond of him for the next few weeks.

Finally, it was time for Clint to give her his present. He handed it to her and waited quietly until she opened it. He had given her a tiny little box, wrapped up in the Saturday morning comics. Natasha unwrapped it carefully and slowly opened the box. Nestled in the centre was a plain silver ring. Natasha and Clint made eye contact. The rest of the team stared at it, mouths agape.

The first one to break the silence was, of course, Tony.

"Does this mean I'm off the hook then?"

Bruce whacked him upside the head.

Natasha walked to Clint. She leaned in. She batted her eyelashes.

And punched him.

"What, I don't get a fancy proposal?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Of course it is, idiot!"

THE END..


	3. Wedding for the Ages

Clint Barton was a nervous wreck. He had good reason to be, he was getting married to the world's most dangerous spy in a few hours and the quaint little church they'd chosen resembled nothing so much as a war zone.

'Well,' he thought, 'at least nothing else could go wrong.'

There was a loud crash in the background.

But we'll get to that later.

Everything had been fine that morning. Admittedly, he was a little hung over from the bachelor party the night before, (Tony insisted all future husbands needed to consume a minimum of three of what he called, 'Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters,' whatever that meant. He recovered quickly and set about waking the rest of the team.

Of course none of them were hung-over. Even though Tony's horrendous concoctions had succeeded in getting them all drunk they had all more or less recovered. More was Steve who had only managed to be drunk for just over an hour. Less was Tony who looked like a train had hit him.

Anyway, when they were all more or less awake, Clint noticed the time and OH MY GOODNESS I PROMISED NAT I'D TAKE CARE OF THE SET UP! SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME IF I DON'T-

Clint took a deep breath when he realized he'd been hyperventilating. He hurriedly got dressed and then looked around him and felt a cold lump of, 'I'm so dead,' settle in his stomach. He'd momentarily forgotten where they'd held the bachelor party. "It'll save time," Tony had said...

What Clint had forgotten, but will now be revealed to you, was that, in order to save time, they had held the party IN THE CHURCH. It looked like a tsunami had met a tornado and raised a family. Clint grimaced as he took in the damage they had done. Much of the night was vague and fuzzy but he could dimly remember Thor using the chandelier as a swing (it fell), and Tony and Steve declaring war upon each other and taking over the kitchen and using the food as weapons. The worst part was the drunk Hulk. Clint didn't know how, but somehow Tony had succeeded in getting the Hulk drunk. There is nothing more terrifying than a giant green rage monster singing sea shanties and parading around in a dress. Clint shuddered at the memory. Tony swore he would never attempt anything of the sort again. The sincerity with which he swore led Clint to believe that the video was being uploaded to You Tube as they spoke.

It became fuzzier after that and he could only vaguely remember the rest. Someone else had joined them and then set about reciting Shakespeare...

As Clint was soon to find out, but what can know now, is that Loki (having been redeemed) had flown to Earth on that day to visit Thor. This proved to be extremely inconvenient timing and he immediately regretted it.

What Clint had not yet seen was Thor unconscious against a wall with a highly irritated God of Mischief being used as his pillow. Loki was unable to move Thor as Mjolnir was resting on his stomach where Thor had dropped it, accidentally of course.

Back to the night before; Steve, taking advantage of his military background, used the wedding food at his disposal (in this case cream puffs and tarts) as weapons and was firing them strategically at Tony's fortress of sandwiches. Tony was firing wine corks back at him. The Hulk (resembling nothing so much as a chorus girl) wandered trough the battleground and bellowed, "FLAG MAN LEAVE TIN CAN MAN ALONE. HULK LIKE TIN CAN MAN," and even in his inebriated state, Tony saw a golden opportunity to embarrass his science bro and boyfriend. The video soon found itself being uploaded to You Tube. Tony found himself being thrown into the air in what may've been mistaken for a waltz, ha it not been so lacking in grace.

Steve made as if to say something and then promptly fainted. A manly faint, sort of falling to his knees and then face first into his sugary defenses; but a faint all the same.

THE PRESENT

Clint had just discovered Loki's plight and, after much laughter, took pity upon him. Together, they attempted to wake up Thor. It's best not to go into specifics. Suffice to say, the God of Thunder does not like to be woken before he is ready.

Once all the Avengers were awake Clint briefed them on the situation. Their faces slowly became less and less chipper as the realization set in that they had made the Mother of All Messes on the Black Widow's wedding day. Fun Fact: if you look in the Avengers Dictionary you can see little pictures of these guys next to the word, 'idiotic.'

Suddenly, as though reminded by an all-knowing being (in this case the author), Clint remembered the crash he had heard near the beginning of the chapter. 'Jeez,' he thought profoundly, 'the narrator must be losing it if it took her this long to remember something so important,' then he was kicked in the back of the head by an invisible force.

Ahem, the crash Clint had heard was in fact the sound of the wedding cake falling. Yes they could get a new one, sure they could clean it up but it had fallen upon and splattered all over NATASHA'S WEDDING DRESS!

Duh duh DUH.

Clint took all this in and then wished he could punch the author in the face. For which thought he was promptly smacked upside the head. You'd think he'd learn.

He was recovering from the blow as the door opened behind him. Everyone felt dread settle in on them like an old pal. Loki his behind Thor, forgetting that he was a god and merely remembering how scary that woman was. Thor didn't notice anything so he just stood there. Steve found that the floor was suddenly extremely interesting. Tony was being yelled at by Bruce, who had just found out about his newfound Internet fame.

Natasha Romanoff stood in the doorway.

The silence was so complete you could've heard a herd of rhinos.

Okay, so it wasn't all that quiet.

Natasha took one look at her surroundings and then started laughing. This was of course far more terrifying than any other response could've been.

What happened in the next few minutes is unfit to be set down on the Internet. So let us take this chance to admire that speck on the ground over there and ignore the story. Waiting...waiting...

Let's check on them.

"MY WEDDING DAY, YOU INSENSITIVE LITTLE-,"

Alright, so they're not done. My, what lovely weather we're having. Lah dee dah. Ah, they've finished.

We return to the scene to find Earth's Mightiest Heroes scrubbing the floor of the church with toothbrushes. Looks like Natasha won.

Thanks to Loki's cloning abilities, they were able to finish relatively quickly. However, since Natasha was still displeased, the wardrobe had been adapted slightly.

THE WEDDING

Natasha stood at the end of the aisle, wearing a nicely tailored suit. The CD began to play as Clint Barton meekly walked down the aisle in Natasha's cake smeared dress. Just picture that for a moment, if you could.

Ugh. The thought gives me shivers.

As they made their vows, Natasha smiled to show all was forgiven. Tony grinned to show that the video of the wedding would soon be viral.

Clint felt happy for the first time that day and decided that things hadn't gone all that badly.

And that, dear readers, is the story of how Clint, Natasha and all the Avengers lived happily ever after.

SIX MONTHS LATER

"CLINT, WHAT, IN THE NAME OF SANITY, ARE YOU DOING?!"

Ahem, the story of how they lived scrappily ever after.

THE END.


End file.
